I've just been dumped. This single line is able to bring so much emotion out from me. All those memories, time spent, laughter I long to hear, smiles I wished I could turn back time and see again.. All in the past now.
It's my first time dealing with this phase, so being the usual me, clueless as ever.. didn't know what am I going through most of the times. I guess I am experiencing the 5 stages of grief. But not in that critical manner just that it's almost the same feeling, someone very important to me, has moved on to a new phase, leaving me behind with a part of my heart and soul attached to her.
Few days back when I tried to text her and all, but it got too often and she slap one statement in my face saying, "I thought we said not to text too often, it's like we're back to that routine" That gave me a thigh slap hard and fast.
I really love her, all the time I used in a day just to think about her, wonder what would she be doing, how would she be.. all emptied up and I feel so... free and so weird at the same time.
The reason of this breakup was that I am just too boring for her. Things I do doesn't seem to interest her anymore, whether I am just right by her side or not doesn't make a difference. I guess I should've see this coming when her replies to my text became shorter and brief. Lack of interest in a conversation was the 1st thing anyone can notice. Next was the eye contact with each other, the small face expressions that made me fell for her, all the little touches with her fingers on my arm.. lost, gone by the wind.
Flashing back on what we were. Happy, full of laughter, smiles, jokes, roughing each other up with bumping and messing around, that chemistry where we could mouth out the thoughts at any instant on anything. How I thought it was just us against the world. How I smiled and thought to myself, you're one lucky dude to have someone like her. I guess she's the giver and I'm the chaser in the relationship, maybe because of how we treat each other? Perhaps with that, she gain the upperhand and makes the call for the relationship when it is the time to end.
I am sorry but I have to be biased on this piece, it feels just so unfair for me. I'm still having the tingling feeling of excitement when I think about her but the way she could just lose interest in someone just made me feel silly, idiotic and naive.
I thought opposites attract, but the reason of she got bored of me is also this particular reason, saying we're simply just too different for our personalities to match. I thought we could have worked it out a little, but that point has passed long long time ago.
I couldn't stop thinking about her, even until now, how big of the impact she has left in my life, how she coloured such a big portion my white piece of paper. Sometimes without even realising it I still refer her as my girlfriend to others. To just suddenly move on from this colourful piece? I guess time would be the healing master. Sometimes at night I miss her so much, tears would just flow. And there's an empty cold section in my chest, throbbing.
IT HURTS.
What do I do now. She done a pretty well job leaving her mark in my bedroom, every corner I turn reminded me of her. I have a hard time taking them down, I wish to overcome this soon. It is so saddening.
I dive into love with my head first, I felt the ups and downs so strongly, and now.. I have to slowly swim up to the surface. Distraction wouldn't last long when you're being alone and quiet, your mind wanders off and you start to think. That's when it'll start again. It is a very poor habit of mind, to have made my whole existence to be so involved with her. I wouldn't regret anything I've down, perhaps if I could change, I would try harder to keep her more interested. But it is tiring as hell if I don't get what I thought i would at the end of the day.
It's just sad.
Strong and determined is how I ought to change this state I am in now.
Bluewarmth
